Here Comes the Sun (oh please)

 

I’m at our local pub, the Q. Scott is off to Boyz Night, and I’m in one of my happy places for an hour or two. Since I work by myself, for myself, I’ve decided this is my Holiday Party. What should I give myself from Secret Santa?  Hah..

“Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles just came on. I haven’t listened to it in years. At our wedding, my brother, Ken, played it acoustically as guests entered the church. It was very fitting for the day – it was pouring.

Like all brides, I wanted the perfect day – including cloudless blue sky and warm sun. We got cold, rainy, puddles.  I was so upset the morning of, but pushed through with umbrellas, soaked shoes, indoor pictures. Everything  turned out fine. It was alright. It was happy.

I have been diagnosed with a phobia. It’s not a classified phobia, but one of my therapists named it, so I consider it legit.

Yes – one of my therapists. There have been quite a few Dr. Phil’s during my adult life — college (eating disorder, family values vs. Janet values schisms); early motherhood (depression); career conundrum (self-doubt and self-medicating); mid-life angst (body image and general “why the heck am I here” stuff).

During one of these phases, I came to understand I have Catastraphobia. I’m terrified of my own catastrophe – of everything I have dreamed of, then planned to the extreme, then seen realized….falling apart. As soon as I get something accomplished, I agonize over it not being real or falling apart or having to get redone or that no one else will care or that I’ll die too soon and never enjoy it.

Basically, I work non-stop, almost every waking hour, getting stuff done OR worrying what I’ve done is going to be destroyed or worthless.

That’s really pretty sad, mostly to be thinking about at your Holiday Party. But it’s in my DNA, and it does have its benefits – I’m a pretty driven person.

And then there is Scott who somehow patiently deals with me, honestly, saves me.  He lives in the moment – he truly has the worst event memory ever, and his planning skills (though better now) really only look a day or week ahead. For him, right now, in this moment, everything is always ok. We are together. We have Moo. We are happy. It’s alright.

I don’t know how many times I’ve run to him in an emotional crisis, sick to my core with the nasty “what ifs” Catastraphobia creates. And how many times he’s soothed me by saying, just these words “It will be alright. I promise.”

Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. Deep breaths. Here comes the sun.

 

Here Comes the Sun

Here comes the sun little darlin’
Here comes the sun
I say, It’s all right, it’s all right

Here comes the sun little darlin’
Here comes the sun
I say, It’s all right, it’s all right

Little darlin’ its been
A long cold and lonely winter
Little darlin’ it feels like
Years since you’ve been here

Here comes the sun little darlin’
Here comes the sun
I say, It’s all right, it’s all right

Little darlin’ the smiles
Have returned to the faces now
Little darlin’ it seems like
Years since you’ve been here

Little darlin’ its been
A long cold lonely winter
Little darlin’ it feels like
Years since you’ve been here

Here comes the sun
Aren’t you glad to see it
I say, It’s all right

Here comes the sun little darlin’
I say, It’s all right

Little darlin’ here comes the sun, yeah
Here comes the sun, I say, Little darlin’
It seems like years since you’ve been here
Little darlin’ here comes the sun

Oh, baby it’s all right now, you can come on out now
And it’s all right now, you can come on out now
It’s all right, you can come on out
Yes, it’s all right, here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

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