What Am I Doing?

  
I ask myself this question a lot lately. Well, ever since we downsized from our big family house to our two-bedroom high-rise apartment. I wake up sometimes, totally disoriented. And I smell the air, and it tells me I’m not really home.

I’m smell sensitive. In our new apartment, I started noticing a metallic, astringent, “je ne sais pas” aroma of the air circulating from our hvac system. And those who know me know I run AC almost year-round, so that’s a lot of off-smelling air coming my way. Multiply that by the fact that, as of April, I now work from home.  24/7 nostril annoyance.
I’ve tried a few remedies, but finally found a fix. I attach the same little clip air fresheners people use in the cars onto all our vents. As I write, the nasty air smell is starting to come through again – time to buy another 8 pack of Fabreeze car fresheners to make my new home smell more like, but not exactly still, but getting closer to, home.
Sometimes the “What am I doing?” feeling hits as I come down the hall to our apartment, and it feels like another hotel. Another freaking hotel. I spent so much of my work life in hotels. Long corridors. Doors with numbers. Mystery people surrounding me.  How could ANOTHER hotel, be home? What am I doing here?
People ask me, “Do you miss your house?” Honestly, I don’t miss the structure. It was always way too big, too much to care for, too expensive to keep up in the manner to which it was accustom, demanding. But it was home to my daughter, to our dogs. It was Thanksgiving, birthdays, hard-earned bubble baths, Sunday pancakes, garland banister, standing room only parties, truly dreams come true. But by the time Moo migrated to New York City and the last of our beloved dogs had passed, it had become a beautiful, but empty, shell. I don’t miss the house at all. I miss, desperately, the life we lived in it. I miss that time of our lives.
So what the heck am I doing? Our life is simplified, convenient, cozy. Sometimes I just look around our beautiful, 1250 square feet place –  stunning views and welcoming décor – and I bust out giggling. How did this happen? How am I here? What does this part of our life look like? What the heck am I doing?

I’m adjusting. I have finally realized I’m allowed some time to deal with this whole life revolution. Our living situation changed dramatically. Then my career took a new direction. I have a totally new routine. I have been given time to reflect, to heal, to think, to forgive, to move on from here.  
I’m still not totally sure what I’m doing, and I’m not totally sure I’m fully home. But unsettled as I find myself, I’m still happier than I have ever been. A lot of weight is off my shoulders. So much baggage left behind with the tons of “stuff” we purged in the move. It’s ok to be walking down an unknown hall. I’ll figure out where it’s leading. Now, should I pick Fresh Linen or Hawaiian Sunset Fabreeze smelly things? I think I’ll give Hawaii a shot.

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